You Say "Right," I Say "Crazy" - Let's Call the Whole Thing Off

Dear Mr. Pickles,

Every time we go to my (redneck) uncle’s house he does nothing but blare the Fox News Channel and talk smack about the Democratic Party.  He is beyond misinformed (see “Redneck” comment above) and has tunnel vision about his “boy” Glenn Beck and other “journalists” on that channel.  Here’s the real problem, he’s actually a pretty sweet guy, minus his dreadful politics so I don’t want to cut him off but I just can’t stand the blathering.  What should I do?

Fed Up in Fresno, CA

Dear Fed Up,

Firstly, please find solace in the fact that we ALL have an uncle of this genre.  Whether it’s the uncle who drinks too much at Thanksgiving or the one who always says the exact wrong thing at the worst possible moment – you are not alone.

If this were some guy at work, I might suggest you send him links to things like www.factcheck.org or www.fair.org, however, I have a sneaking suspicion that unless the link includes the words “Bass Pro Shop” or “Jeff Foxworthy,” you’re not going to be able to get him to even look at them.

Without making this about me (but let’s for a moment, shall we?), I will say this – the “left” has just as much wrong with their bias as does the right.  Now, before you write me off as some elitist cat in a top hat and bow-tie, hear me out.  Oh, and please let the record reflect; Mr. Pickles campaigned for Obama, so that’s the direction his political compass points in.  Sources like www.huffingtonpost.com and Jon Stewart have a spin too, they just happen to do it with more believable and reliable spokespersons than Fox News does.  And at least Jon Stewart doesn’t have veins popping out of his forehead when he speaks.  Nothing says (*cough* Glenn Beck) “I’m a safe and sane journalist” more than foaming at the mouth.  This is a very interesting and short piece by Noam Chomsky on the “liberal media”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYlyb1Bx9Ic

Okay, onto your uncle…  Because you say he’s a nice guy, I would try to ignore his news regurgitation as best I could or try the ever popular advice of “pick your battles.”  For example; you may have to let a “Rick Perry had every right to hunt and fish at N-word Lodge” pass so that you can remind him that “No, actually uncle, Sarah Palin would make a horrible president.”  Wow, after writing those examples, I realize – how on earth are you going to choose which battles to pick – they’re all so bad!  You could always try steering the conversation to more “pleasant” topics such as, “I know, I know, Barack Obama has ruined this country, but what about that Jeff Foxworthy – he’s playing at the Indian Bingo Parlor next week.”

Lastly, if you get very, very, very depressed about it and need affirmation that you are not alone, let me direct you to this blog:  http://www.mycrazyrightwingbrother.com/

Kindly,

Mr. Pickles

It's MY Party and I'll Buy (a favor) if I Want To!

Dear Mr. Pickles,

My friend at work is throwing me a birthday dinner party, but she is inviting this really obnoxious couple that really brings out the worst in me.  How do I tell my friend that I don’t want them there without coming across ungrateful or controlling?

Feeling Exclusive, Hong Kong

Dear F.E.,

Let’s see, it’s YOUR birthday so I think that YOU should have the attendees that YOU Like at YOUR party.  Was that clear enough?  Okay, now that we know where Mr. Pickles stands on the issue, let’s get down to business about how you’re going to tell your friend you don’t want The Obnoxious Couple (TOC) there.

I would pose it to my friend as such; “Sally, I’m really looking forward to this birthday dinner that you’ve so graciously planned for me!”  I would then go onto say, “I have a favor to ask of you – would you mind keeping the guest list small and intimate so that I’ll have a chance to share my time with my closest friends?”  If she says, “But I’ve invited TOC and they really want to be there.”  You’ll just have to politely explain, “I understand that this may place you in an awkward position, but I’d really be most comfortable if they were not there.” 

If your friend, “Sally,” who is planning the dinner for you doesn’t understand, you may have to get a bit more emphatic and explain that you find their behavior offensive and that’s not who you want to be surrounded with on your birthday.  Remember: it’s your birthday.  If “Sally” wants to invite TOC to HER birthday dinner, she can go right ahead!

If “Sally” isn’t comfortable un-inviting them (worst case scenario) you may have to take one for the team on this one and allow them to come.  I would just “gently” remind “Sally”:  “Okay, I will not place you in an awkward position by making you uninvite them but you have to promise me that they will be seated far away from me and will be 86’d at the first sign of obnoxiousness.”

You didn’t elaborate on what kind of obnoxious they are, but if they’re the loud and drunk kind, you can always slip a couple of twenties to the biggest waiter on the staff and have him remove the offending party for being disruptive.  Yes, Mr. Pickles may wear a top hat and bow-tie but that doesn’t mean he’s above an appropriate bribe to ensure everyone has a nice time.

Salud!

Mr. Pickles

Molotov Cocktails Anyone?

Dear Mr. Pickles,

We live in a decent neighborhood: not a fantastic one, but it’s not dreadful.  Well, there is a dreadful element but I’ll get to that part…

We have these neighbors who model their behavior after “The Sopranos” and “Jersey Shore” (which is a TERRIBLE mash-up if you ask me).  There are a lot of velour track suits, fake Ed Hardy shirts and cars such as Hummers and souped-up BMWs coming and going at all hours of the day and night.  To make matters worse, they have an ill-behaved pit bull (and I haven’t even gotten to the bad part yet) and lots of half-clothed, dirty children running around being general nuisances.  The men stand out front smoking cigars as they talk about their cars and nefarious “business” dealings.  Their friends park in front of our driveway, their children trample our lawn and their pit bull roams the street terrorizing other dogs.  Okay, okay, I’ll get to the bad part.

A few days ago, I had a package delivered while I wasn’t home.  The UPS delivery person, in their “infinite” wisdom, left a note saying that the package (filled with pre-natal vitamins – not very exciting to anyone other than a pregnant woman) had been left with the neighbors.  With great trepidation, I went next door and asked the Tony Sopranoish guy if he had my package.  He said to me, “I don’t have any package of yours” and slammed the door in my face.

The next day, I flagged the UPS delivery person down and told him my tale of woe.  He insisted that he had indeed delivered the package and offered to go talk to Tony with me.  We went to the door and again asked, “Do you have a package that was delivered on Monday.”   Again, he denied having any package.  The UPS guy says to him, “Sir (ha!), I handed you the package and you said you’d be happy to accept it on your neighbor’s behalf.  We spoke about this.”  The jerk denied it again and slammed the door in our faces.I apologized profusely to the UPS guy for his rude behavior. 

Here’s my dilemma Mr. Pickles: do I complain to UPS and potentially get the very nice delivery guy in trouble or eat the $120 because of my cretin neighbor?  I need sage advice because my only idea so far has been a “Molotov Cocktail.”

Raging in Reseda, CA

Dear Raging,

I’m sure you know by now that Mr. Pickles is not a fan of violence but will allow you a few “Molotov Cocktail” FANTASIES.  Okay, now that we’re back to reality, here’s my advice.

Since the UPS guy was very noble and went with you to the neighbor’s door, perhaps you could start with the vitamin company.  Explain your dilemma and see if they offer up a replacement to you at no additional cost.  By the way, you should NOT have to eat $120 because your neighbor is a jerk.  If pursuing a replacement from the vitamin company doesn’t work (which, since they’re probably not a non-profit retailer, the chances are slim-to-none, but you never know), I’m afraid you’ll have to take the issue to UPS.

When speaking with UPS, explain the story in much the same way you have here, minus the “Molotov Cocktail” part.  Definitely extol the virtues of the driver and emphatically insist that he didn’t do anything wrong, however, because of his actions, you are now out $120.00.  I’m sure the vitamin provider has insurance for such instances.

Whatever you do – do NOT and I repeat, do NOT poke the tiger that is your neighbor.  Nothing good will come from starting any altercation with him.  People like that do crazy things and the last thing you need in your life is crazy (or a curse on your mother).  Smile and nod politely when you see him and have a secret inner smile knowing that he’s probably growing a set of ovaries since he’s most likely taking your pre-natal vitamins thinking they’re “growth hormones” or something really smart like that.

Kindly,

Mr. Pickles

The Art of Avoidance

Dear Mr. Pickles,

You have GOT to help me!  I work with a woman who tells stories about her children ALL day long.  And, to make matters worse, they’re B-O-R-I-N-G stories!  It’s come to the point where I’m afraid to make eye contact with her for fear she might blurt out, “So, the baby has a new favorite word – “Min Maw” for Minnie Mouse.”  I’m so sick of nodding politely and saying, “That’s cute.”   I’m a fan of stories about children where the punch line is something like, “So then Little Johnny told the pastor, “That’s the drawer where mommy’s special toy is” or the one where the four year old comments on a female, “her boobies got fatter.”  I just can’t take the daily drivel anymore!  HELP!

Uptomyearsindrivel, Upland, CA

Dear Upto,

Let’s face facts, for most workers, the reason they go to work is to get a paycheck, right?  However, the paycheck is akin to the little piece of cheese at the end of the maze for the lab rat – you must go through several twists and turns all week just to get your damned check.  If it were easy and fun, they wouldn’t call it “work.” 

I’m not sure how closely you work with this person but it sounds like completely ignoring them is not an option.  Perhaps as a first line of defense, you could try to out-bore them.  For example, when she says, “So, did I tell you that the baby ate carrots last night?”  Just respond with a really boring non-sequitur such as, “Oh, that totally reminds me – Windex is on sale at Walgreens” and turn on your heel and walk away.  If after about seven of those boring responses she doesn’t get the hint, step up your tactics.

The next phase will be to initiate the boring comments to her first (the ol’ “fight fire with fire” approach).  When you see her, say something like, “Oh, I just turned the toaster in the kitchen from “light” to “medium light” and keep walking.  She’ll start avoiding YOU and your lame comments. 

If this doesn’t work, you’re only left with two options:  the first would be to ask to have your desk/office moved to a different part of the building.  This may provide temporary relief.  The second option is the hardest and most direct approach:  just speak with her honestly but gently by saying something like, “I know you love your children and are enthusiastic about their every move, but I must tell you, I find these updates distracting and I would appreciate it if you could limit the stories about your children to ones only pertaining to major milestones such as losing their baby teeth or graduating high school.”  She’ll think you’re such a jerk, trust me – the stories will stop and she’ll go find some other unsuspecting patsy.

Good luck!

Kindly,

Mr. Pickles

Dirty Socks and Ballyhoo

Dear Mr. Pickles,

I love my boyfriend to the ends of the earth, but he does some really annoying stuff sometimes.  All of it is low-level stuff like leaving his socks and underwear on the floor; even though the hamper is two inches away, leaves jam-covered knives on the counter after he’s made toast (don’t even get me started on the trail of crumbs he leaves behind) and somehow doesn’t seem to notice ALL of the hair he has left in the sink after shaving.  Do you have a nice way that I can tell him that this stuff drives me bonkers?  You’re a cat in a top hat and bow-tie so I figured you’d have a way that isn’t, “Look Dick, how hard is it to…”

Appreciative of your Advice, Apple Valley, CA

Dear Appreciative,

SPOILER ALERT:  You will never correct this behavior so what you need to do is embrace it.  This may sound like I’m being apathetic in my advice-giving, but really, Mr. Pickles is a pragmatist.  Mr. Pickles doesn’t wear socks but if he did, he would gingerly place them in the hamper each evening – right after he methodically folded his bow-tie and set his top hat on the bedpost for the evening.  However, most men are not like that so here are my ideas for embracing it.

Make a game of it:  each time you bend down to pick up the sock to place it in the hamper, say to yourself, “I love him, I really, really do” or say one nice thing about him which counterbalances the annoying fact that you’re picking up his socks AGAIN, such as, “But he’s so great about taking out the garbage without me having to ask him.”

Thank him:  each time you place the offending sock in the hamper, say something like, “I’m so thankful to live with this strong protector who, while he can’t put a sock in a hamper to save his life, he does keep me safe at night.” 

Laugh: as you place the sock in the hamper, think of something funny that he has said or done for you and hold onto that thought.

At the sake of sounding like a 1970s refrigerator magnet:  Don’t sweat the small stuff.  Now, I am not dismissing the fact that it’s completely annoying that you have to pick up after him; however, it’s not worth getting worked up over.  In these tumultuous times, it’s always good to do a sanity check when you feel yourself getting worked up over what my friend Lisa would refer to as, “Petty Bourgeoisie Problems.” 

Now, if he leaves the toilet seat up, by all means, start with, “Look Dick…”

Namaste,

Mr. Pickles

The Height of Absurd

Dear Mr. Pickles,

At the risk of seeming like a Mister Pickles advice hog, I have a matter that could use some wisdom from a detached-wise-beyond-his-years cat in a top hat and bow tie.  This requires a long (sorry for that) and shocking background so hold on to your hat!

My best friend since I was 18 has been loyal to a fault (when it comes to me).  His friendship remains my longest and most enduring.  I'm actually Godfather to his two horribly annoying out of control children... but that's a whole other matter.  He considers me a brother.  Anyway, I met him last winter in Mammoth for our annual snowboarding trip.  He basically tells me he is cheating on his wife whom... btw I was friends with before he knew her, introduced him to her, and was best man in their wedding AFTER he had an affair with her while still married to his first wife...but  I digress.  I told him to stop seeing this idealized geographically inconvenient mistress person, stop sexting her, stop calling her countless times a day and perhaps put that same time and energy into saving his marriage and training his evil children how to behave in normal society....  and go to therapy because the entire situation is FUBAR.  Problem solved right?

Well, I found out as our snowboarding trip was nearing its beer-soaked conclusion that oh, by the way, he's leaving me to spend three days with this mistress person but his wife thinks he's going to still be with me in Mammoth (the mistress is also married with children, ugh).  Well, I fly out of Mammoth feeling dirty and used and praying his wife doesn't contact me.  The next day I attend a horse show in Seattle at which, unbeknownst to me I'm photographed at. The photographs are then promptly posted on Facebook... well; guess who my Facebook friend is?   Exactly!  So my best friend leaves me possibly the most hateful email and voice mail ever in the history of mankind concluding that I've ruined his marriage and as a result he will never be able to see his children again (my fault).  I sent him an email back telling him too bad, I'm very popular, people love taking photographs of me and that was out of my control.  My suggestion was he should deal with his lies. Oh did I mention, he left Mammoth, spent three days with the mistress and then left straight from there for a business trip to Europe... nearly four consecutive weeks away from his family?

I have not spoken with him since. I figure either he apologizes for his dirt bag behavior and tells me he has repented and is working on saving his family or I'm out.  Then, out the blue today he leaves me a voice mail telling me he needs me to write a personal letter of reference for him and the wife and evil children because they're moving to a brownstone and the coop board requires references and they may actually call me for follow-up.  Astonished, I called him back to angrily confront him and he was too busy to talk.  At this point I'm pretty done, but he is my oldest friend and in the past when he has acted badly I've pointed that out to him, then avoided him and he has eventually (sometimes a year later) come around and copped to his dickish ways.  I'd like to remain friends with him and his 2nd (and hopefully still current) wife and my evil God children, but I'm baffled as to how to make that happen.  I need your unbiased direction.

Shell-shocked, Seattle, WA

Dear Shell,

Oh how Mr. Pickles loves himself a good story – that one was a doozie!  Not to get all Zen on you, but you know the answer.  However, you asked for my unbiased direction, so I shall advise as to what Mr. Pickles would do.

It is not your job to carry this guy’s water (uphill on a slippery slope)!  The strange thing about humans is that it seems you hold onto relationships in your adulthood that no longer make sense.  From this cat’s opinion, it seems that most people have a hard time letting go. Just because you were friends when you were young and are his children’s godparent, does not mean you have to be his friend in your adult life if he treats you poorly.

You have eloquently called out most of the reasons you wouldn’t be friends today; he’s a liar and a cheat, he has no respect for anyone other than himself (and his selfish wishes) and he’s raised feral children (being low-to-the ground, Mr. Pickles has a natural suspicion toward children to start with and when they’re not well-behaved, he’s especially intolerant). 

I think the real kicker to this whole thing is how this guy could say that you’ve “ruined his marriage and as a result he will never be able to see his children again.”  Um, I think he may want to pay closer attention to the mechanics of that plotline as I’m pretty sure HE was the one who ruined his marriage, not you!  If I had to guess, this guy is either a) an only child, b) an only child raised by a single-mother who thought the moon and sun set upon his very existence or c) a sociopath.  The very fact that he would call you to write a letter of reference is positively absurd!  It also illustrates just how delusional he is.  If this were Mr. Pickles’ “friend,” I would tell him that we are finished and please don’t make any further contact.  I know it will be sad, but it’s a necessary step in your adult life.  Do you really want to surround yourself with someone who would treat his family and friends so disgracefully?  I didn’t think so.  My Pickles says, “Good riddance to bad rubbish.”

Spend your time focusing on friends who behave respectfully and make you feel good about yourself.  It’s time to let this one go.

All my best,

Mr. Pickles

Mr. Pickles does Glen Campbell

Dear Mr. Pickles,

What is there to do in Wichita?

Bored in Wichita, KS

Dear Bored,

SPOILER ALERT:  there is NOTHING to do in Wichita.

Here are some ideas:

• Eat broccoli and pretend to be a dinosaur eating trees.
• Learn to dance:  http://www.kcflamenco.com/oleartists.htm  
• Pay for expensive things with pennies.
• Watch Roller Derby:  https://www.facebook.com/RollerCityRinkRatz
• Carry a briefcase with you and offer people phony legal advice
• Eat “gourmet” food:  http://www.yelp.com/biz/taste-and-see-everyday-gourmet-wichita
• Memorize Pi
• Go rock climbing (indoors):  http://www.kansascliffclub.com/
• Learn how to exorcise a ghost.
• Throw cards in a hat

By the way, this post is to be read to the docile tunes of Glen Campbell's "Wichita Lineman."

Have fun!

Mr. Pickles